So you’ve taken those initial steps of saying NO to a relationship that ultimately was polluting your life and health. First off, let me say congrats! You’re off to a great start – but you feel sad, depressed, lonely, and wonder if regret will soon set in. Often times when people talk to me about why they stay in a bad relationship they wonder if they’ll regret it down the road. Another reason is usually, but we have so much together. These thoughts are totally normal yet become a real issue when the going gets tough. It would be so easy to just check out of all these crappy emotions and run back to that same comfortable relationship. I beg of you,
please don’t do this!
The first steps to Healing
Let me begin by saying, the first few weeks or so are the hardest. The wound is still fresh with both parties, its all your family/friends can talk about, the other person may try to contact you saying sorry, and blah blah blah. If this person is a spouse you may have to spend a lot of energy figuring out finances, housing situations, children, etc. The typical falling out moments we know all too well – many times from other peoples lived situations. But now its happening to you, not your friend, or the person at work. You wonder, how did they ever live through this – and how will I ever make it through? I wish I could tell you it doesn’t suck.. It does suck, a lot. But, its not impossible.
Detach yourself from the Memories
I’m not saying you have to forget everything you’ve had with this person. Maybe just temporarily. That summer cruise to the Bahamas, the road trips you took around the country, watching a movie every night before bed – whatever the good memories may be, keep in mind good times don’t define a relationship. Its easy to linger in the good memories, because ultimately you’re in denial. You want to believe you still feel the same happiness you once felt in these good moments, and that should somehow correlate to how you’re feeling now. Memories do not define a person – a person defines themselves. Therefore you should not justify a relationship based on the past. You must detach yourself from the memories before you can detach yourself from the person. Only then will you be able to appreciate the good times, without them being the deciding factor of whether you run back or not.
Refrain from Communication
In my own personal experiences I’ve learned, especially with intimate partners, to opt out of trying to stay friends or keeping in contact. It sounds like a wonderful, heartfelt, and mutual idea but more times than not, it prolongs the healing process. It messes with both parties emotions far too much, and usually complicates the situation more than it already is. You want to get over this depressed, lonely hump as soon as possible, right? Right! I believe there is always hope for any failed relationship to re-spark in the future, but under much different circumstances then the current ones.
Do Communicate with others
After losing an important relationship in your life, now gives you the opportunity to build new ones. Or strengthen relationships you may not have given a chance previously. The silver lining is already shining through! This is a great time to turn to your family, friends, and co-workers for support. I’m willing to bet most of them will relate to everything you’re feeling. I’m also willing to bet they will help you regain happiness, strength, and deter you from the negativity of the loss. Keep your mind busy with positive things. Try out a new hobby. Start going to the gym or yoga classes. Plan fun events with family and friends. Have a night out on the town. Go to community events. Make new connections with people. Adopt a pet. Anything to keep your mind off the past and head first into the future. Put yourself out there for the taking. Show the world how wonderful you are all on your own and in your own skin – and start believing the same.
Don’t Fall Victim to Medias Fallacies
Technology is such a wonderful thing. Take music for example, it can make you feel so much and change your mood in an instant. I can never decide if this does more damage or more healing. Healing from a lost relationship leaves you in a very vulnerable position. We tend to cling to anything or anyone that will make us feel anything besides how we’re feeling presently. We try to find a normal mold, story, or experience to relate our own situations to. To rectify our feelings, I suppose. You could find countless songs, movies, TV shows, articles, and books relating to how you’re feeling right this instant. But in actuality, no two situations are the same. So why do we classify fictional characters and usually fictional situations as normal or how it should be? There’s that fairy tale trap, you mustn’t fall victim to.
I suppose this post is a form of media. So, it could very well be dictating your decisions, emotions, and therefore life. Kind of scary, right? I suppose it could be scary. But its not so scary once your recognize the power of media and its effects on your emotions – now you’re in control. Once you’re in control, you could and should use media to your advantage – which is the point I’m trying to make. Pick and choose what types of media you decide to indulge in during the healing process. Its easy to compare yourself to celebrity couples on and off love affair. Or believe Taylor Swifts latest hit single, represents your current relationship status. But, in actually these are just media fallacies not to be confused with real life. In essence, media can produce a positive outcome on your feelings and decisions. But again, you need to be mindful and in control of that.
I hope this short series has given you hope for a brighter future after a failed relationship. Its never too late – theres always hope. In the end you will have learned so much about your true self, your strength, and your beauty. Each of us deserve healthy relationships with friends, family members, spouses, etc. This is a key factor in our overall health and should not be seen as insignificant – because it is so important. Never settle for relationships that add nothing, yet take everything from your life.
“You cannot be lonely if you like the person you’re alone with.”
― Wayne W. Dyer